It is the day before the day before Christmas, and I just finished shopping for presents. I wound up last-minute desperation shopping today at Borders to purchase a CD for my father and a book for my brother. The excursion was intended to be short and pain-free.

Dad wants new Alicia Keys CD, daughter purchases CD. Brother will like Steven Colbert's I am America, sister plunks down $23 for it hardcover. It's not about me, it's about what they will like. Everyone will be happy. I remain energetic, spirited and ready to bake oatmeal cranberry (I don't know Karate, I know Craisin) cookies with my cat, Steve.

However, at this point I still haven't found gifts for my brother's longtime lady-friend and my mother's boyfriend. In an uninspired amateur consumer move, I decide to check out the store next door: Bad Crap & Beyond. It seems this big box store exists solely for bridal registries and for people to buy home items that appear thoughtful when they have no idea what said people actually might like.

Depressing--As Seen on TV! I embody self-loathing. I bought my mother's boyfriend battery powered massage slippers. I lost my mind in a whirlwind of scented socks and electric candles. I can return them tomorrow, but that would require going back to the store. My brother's girlfriend? She is getting a real candle. Yup, so lame.

I made the cookies, but all I could think about are the stupid slippers and thoughtless candle. Shame! At this point it is either those awful presents or gift cards. I can only hope that they give me equally awful presents to assuage my guilt.