Lessons

I am in the middle of a career transition. I am a "retiring" modern dancer who just can't quit dancing despite her knee problems. I completed my Master's degree in May, left my year-long assistantship in August, and started a new job last week. Sounds pretty great on blog.

This transition, however, is defying my expectations. I had envisioned a swan song of sorts to end my dance career. One last performance. An evening-length work that would have premiered Spring of 2008 just as I was finishing school and before I moved on to the next phase of my life. I had it all worked out perfectly with no messy overlaps. I was to be so distracted by my new job that I wouldn't have time to mourn the end of a too-short 7-year dance career.

The reality has been that my dance company, Antaeus Dance, has had a difficult time securing a presenter and a venue appropriate to the work. We are still creating the piece that I thought would be just a fond memory by now.

Besides the obvious time, energy and scheduling issues, I am having a difficult time observing myself being replaced in the ranks of the company. Next month another dancer will be performing my role in my favorite dance. I know that it is time for this to happen, but I didn't expect to be present to witness my own obsolescence; I was supposed to be retired at this point.

The piece we are creating, Molt, is about transformation. As the piece progresses my colleagues and I shed our layers, as we struggle for growth. How ironic is it that my own growth is being stunted by my dedication to a dance piece about transformation? Every time I go to rehearsal to dance about change, I am confronted by my own commitment that prevents change.

There are lessons here for me: transformation is painful, let go of expectations, do not linger when it is over. I am sure there are more.